


Made in the U.S.A.

by asuralucier



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anything Goes as long as you tag it AU, Baked Alaskas, But Not that Kind of Baked, Crack, Gen, Paul Hollywood Thinks Steve's Last Name is America, Probably Badly Written Bake-Off RPF, Script Format, Steve Rogers is a Contestant on Great British Bake-Off, That Botanist who keeps sex pollen for Emergencies, Written Via Osmosis, confused!Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-25 12:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21356173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asuralucier/pseuds/asuralucier
Summary: Steve Rogers is a Contestant on Great British Bake-Off.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 22
Collections: Osmosis Exchange





	Made in the U.S.A.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [K_Popsicle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_Popsicle/gifts).

> Author’s Disclaimer: This was written as part of the Osmosis Flash Exchange, where you produce a fic for a canon you have not consumed in <72 hours. I have seen Great British Bake-Off, but really all I know about Steve Rogers is that he is Captain America, was in a coma or something for a while, and is a straight laced Chris Evans-shaped dude. I’m also...not entirely clear on what a Baked Alaska is despite watching GBBO. 
> 
> (Also Sam Wilson should be here, but I have next to no idea who he is.)
> 
> Edit: I have now perused a brief history of the Baked Alaska and am still confused.

**EXT. SURREY - GREEN FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.**

A lonesome white circus tent is being beaten down relentlessly by rain. It’s probably safe to say that whoever’s rented this thing won’t be getting their deposit back.

CUT TO:

**INT. TENT - DAY. **

Somehow, everyone inside is still magically dry. [Insert Sponsored Content Here]. Pretty standard Bake-Off fare all around. Amateur bakers of all shapes and sizes are scurrying about carrying various baking equipment; some are staring worriedly at their preheating ovens. One contestant, a tall blond man the dictionary definition of high Americana sticks out from the crowd. A CLOSE-UP of his nametag: STEVE. It’s not only that STEVE is unfairly good-looking. It’s also that in this nervous hustle-bustle, he is the picture of calm. On his station are yet untouched ingredients: flour, sugar, eggs, salted caramel ice cream.

STEVE holds a whisk in hand, deep in thought.

Nearby, MEL and SUE are enthusiastically digging into a tub of ice cream.

SUE licks her spoon, and then notices the camera. She wags her eyebrows and feigns surprise.

SUE

It’s October and the weather is _dreadful_. Why are we eating ice cream again?

MEL

Our hopefuls are diving in feet first - or should I say, _cream _first? It’s Baked Alaska Week here at the Very Wet and yet somehow still dry Bake-Off Tent, Sue. A week of true contraries. As you can see, all of our bakers are hard at work with the clock ticking away...

The camera pans pointedly towards STEVE, still staring into space.

SUE

We-ell, most of our bakers, anyway. It looks like Paul and Mary are having a looksee! Keeping my fingers crossed for our resident Ken!

MEL looks at her and steals away the tub of ice cream while she's at it.

MEL

I think his name is Steve.

PAUL HOLLYWOOD and MARY BERRY approach STEVE’s station. MARY appears concerned.

MARY

Steve, is anything the matter?

STEVE looks at them and shakes his head.

STEVE

No, ma'am. Well. I've never made a Baked Alaska before. I don't even really cook. The kitchen's really not my...thing. But you know, the dessert has the word Alaska in it. That's a state. I'm trying to stay positive and really represent my country.

PAUL

Then why are you here? Most of our contestants, well. They're not professionals, but at least they love baking. Do you like baking, Mr. America?

STEVE blinks. He checks his name tag; it most definitely still says STEVE. 

STEVE

I guess, when you put it like that But I also like to do lots of things when I'm not on television. 

PAUL  
(A bit accusingly)

But not baking?

One gets the idea that that STEVE is thinking very seriously about punching PAUL on the nose. But the thought passes through his expression, and then the moment ends. 

MARY

What inspired you to come on Bake-Off, Steve?

STEVE shrugs.

STEVE

My friends Natasha talked me into it. She said it'd help me acclimate. 

MARY

Oh? To what? 

STEVE

...It's a bit, complicated. 

PAUL gestures at STEVE'S station. Then he gestures at everyone else and the camera pans with him to take in the chaos. One contestant seems to have lost the tip of her thumb and is receiving medical attention. STEVE looks at her worriedly, but only for a few seconds. 

PAUL

Can you tell about your baked Alaska? I can see that you haven't started. Do you have a plan?

STEVE

I'm just waiting for my secret ingredient. I know it'll do my country proud.

CUT TO:

**INT. TENT - DAY - CONT'D - APPROX 20 MINUTES LATER.**

BUCKY and NATASHA enter the tent. There are several wounded members of the production security team that the camera is trying hard to ignore. The other bakers are still working, but the ones who are staring at the freezer or the oven are having a hard time trying to keep their attention focused elsewhere.

SUE  
(in a conspiratorial whisper)

A most unusual development in the tent!

MEL  
(nodding, the table she is hiding under bobs accordingly)

Well, the Yanks are always good at breaking the rules they don't like. 

The camera takes in NATASHA and BUCKY. NATASHA makes herself comfortable on top of STEVE's work station and nabs his tub of now half melted ice cream. 

NATASHA  
(with her mouth full)

So you know your secret ingredient.

STEVE  
(suspiciously)

What about it?

BUCKY rummages around in the many pockets of his combat jacket. He comes out with a small baggie full of a fine yellow powder and drops it onto the counter. 

BUCKY

We got you this instead. Turns out reefer's illegal over here and you can't actually get enough to fly the state of Alaska. The botanist we saw recommended this. There's been no legislation on it and it should do the trick. It didn't even cost a damn thing, guy said he had a surplus for emergencies.

NATASHA

Whatever the hell that means.

STEVE  
(doubtfully) 

You really think this will do the trick?

BUCKY claps STEVE on the back.

BUCKY

Yeah, I do. Buddy, you got this. I wouldn't breathe when you put it in the oven though.

NATASHA

It's a real crowd pleaser.

CUT TO:

**INT. TENT - DAY - CONT'D - APPROX 45 MINUTES LATER.**

PAUL and MARY stare at STEVE's interpretation of a Baked Alaska. Actually, 'interpretation' is a generous word for what's sitting in front of them. They look horrified. Pan to MEL and SUE for similar expressions. STEVE, on the other hand, stands at attention with his hands knotted behind his back.

CLOSE-UP: STEVE's baked Alaska. It's pretty horrifying and doesn't look the least bit appetizing. The best way to describe it is that it's a mess of overdone sponge and melted salted caramel ice cream. The sad meringue peaks on top look like they're ready to revolt.

PAUL

I'll be honest with you. That does not look like something I'd like to eat, Mr. America. 

NATASHA snorts off-screen.

STEVE looks pained. He drops the stiffness of his shoulders, kind of like he's more or less given up. 

STEVE

Actually, it's Captain. Not Mister. Anyway, it's been about seventy years since I've touched an oven. I think I did all right, sir.

This surprises MARY in particular, and after looking STEVE up and down again she turns her attention towards the baked Alaska again. Clearly, she's looking for something nice to say. But maybe she'll buy herself some time, first.

MARY

You're certainly looking very spry for seventy-odd!

STEVE  
(smiling)

Thank you, ma'am.

MARY leans forward and takes a long sniff of STEVE's baked Alaska. 

Quick pan to BUCKY wincing.

MARY

But it certainly smells inviting. Let's have a try. 

MARY cuts into the dessert and comes away with a generous forkful. She eats it. 

MARY (CONT'D)

Well! This is a surprise. Can I inquire about the secret ingredient?

STEVE

Um.

STEVE looks for help. He doesn't get it from either NATASHA or BUCKY who suddenly seem very distracted. 

STEVE

It's not...illegal or anything. The ingredient was supposed to be something else but that was illegal so we changed it. 

PAUL is apparently intrigued by this. He cuts some baked Alaska and also looks surprised. MEL and SUE join in. PAUL cuts himself another bite. 

PAUL 

This isn't going to stop me from saying your technique needs some serious work, Captain, but this is a start. The flavor! It's so intriguing and really keeps you coming back for more -

Quick cut to BUCKY and NATASHA, trying keep straight faces.

BUCKY

This is never going to make it on television. Why did I let you talk me into this?

NATASHA  
(dismissively)

But they're _European_, Buck! Practically anything goes...


End file.
